Warner Brothers presents The Hobble
30th October 2010

Smaug Warner, king of dragons, reclined on a bed of diamonds in a vast cavern deep beneath the Hollywood hills. His enormous body was encrusted with jewels and the scales on his long neck were trimmed with all the currencies of the world. Giant screens around the cavern displayed the many cash cows of Smaug’s global empire and from a hundred ATMs an unceasing flow of cash fell like gentle rain on Smaug’s back.
Faceless, Smaug’s executive, slunk into the cavern, a frown on his brow.
“Your Warneriness, I have troubling news.”
Smaug turned a malevolent eye on his servant, “trouble for who, Faceless?”
“You should see for yourself, oh Smaug.” Faceless waved a remote control at one of the giant screens. An image flashed onto the screen of a city in a distant land, bathed in sunshine. On the streets of the city a crowd was marching and shouting angrily.
“What ‘as this to do with me?” grumbled Smaug.
“It’s Muddle Earth, your Smaugness, where you sent the new cash cow. They don’t like it.”
“Don’t like it!” bellowed Smaug, “I’ll roast their hides. Who’s our man in Muddle Earth?”
“His name’s Jackass. Sir Peter Jackass. You remember, he has served you well in the past.”
“So, why doesn’t ‘e serve me well now?” Smaug stopped suddenly and a small flame flickered around his nostrils. “Faceless,” he whispered, “I think it’s time for you and me to take a little trip.”
The following afternoon at about 3pm the sky over Wellywood, capital of Muddle Earth, darkened as the great shadow of Smaug fell upon it. The enormous dragon circled the city once, twice, and landed heavily on the waterfront, crushing the national museum and upsetting coffee cups in a hundred cafes. Sir Peter Jackass was waiting to greet his master.
“Jackass”, growled Smaug, “I want answers and I want them fast or you’ve seen the last of my cash cow in this miserable place.”
“It’s the hobbles,” wailed Jackass. “They’ve got this onion and are refusing to feed the cash cow.”
“Onion?!” raged Smaug. “My cash cow will not eat onions!”
“No, no, it’s not an ordinary onion. It’s a trayed onion.”
“Enough! Who runs this country?”
“Ah, that would be me,” simpered a voice beneath Smaug’s left shoulder. A smallish man with a nervous smile stood on the waterfront. “Please don’t do anything rash, Mr Smaug, your highness. I’m sure we can sort this out.”
“What’s your name?”
“Jonkey.”
“Donkey?”
“No, your Smaugness, Jonkey.”
“Jonkey, my ass! You’ve got about 15 minutes to sort this problem or we’re out of ‘ere.”
Jonkey looked around nervously. “Will the other Warner Brothers also be coming, your Smaugness?”
Smaug lifted his head and roared with laughter. “The other Warner Brothers! You know what ‘appened to them?”
“No.”
Smaug’s giant face came to rest within inches of Jonkey. “I ‘et ‘em.”
“You ate them?”
“First I ‘ated ‘em. Then I ‘et ‘em. And that’s just what I will do with you if I don’t get some answers quick smart!”
Jonkey shuffled nervously. “We’ll do anything to keep the cash cow, great Smaug. I’ve talked with my advisors and what we’ll do is make an example of some of these troublesome hobbles, smash their onion, you know the sort of thing, and I’m sure the rest will see sense.”
Smaug looked menacingly at Jonkey. “I don’t want them to see sense. I want them to suffer, I want them to be my slaves!”
“Slaves, oh yes, I’m sure we can do that. Slavery should be no problem, oh magnificent Smaug.”
Smaug leaned closer until his smoky breath made Jonkey’s eyes water. “You believe in free trade, don’t you, Mr Donkey.”
“Yes, yes, indeed. We welcome free trade.”
“So do I, especially the free part. So ‘ere’s what else I want. You and your miserable ‘obbles will pay for all the feed my cash cow eats.”
“Certainly, great Smaug, an excellent idea,” nodded Jonkey helplessly.
“And if you take very good care of this cash cow, I may send you another one some time.”
“That would be very desirable,” glowed Jonkey.
“And then again, I might not,” grinned Smaug.
Several weeks later Jonkey stood at the window of his office looking across Wellywood. Lines of hobbles, their backs bent under huge loads, struggled beneath ashen skies towards a far hillside where the great cash cow dominated Muddle Earth. Crowds of sullen and angry hobbles clamoured at the gates.
His advisor watched the gathering crowds uneasily. “Me and the lads have been talking, Jonkey, and we think you should make yourself invisible for a while, just until things calm down. “
Jonkey sighed, “invisible? Yes, perhaps you’re right. Well, that should be easy to do.”
“What do you mean?”
“I had a message from Smaug. He said he’ll give me a ring next week.” Jonkey smiled to himself.