Punter predicts Tri-Nations trifecta at the World Cup
12th June 2010
On the eve of the football World Cup the Ashburton Guardian’s sports team has been joined by soccer commentator Ronny Tillard. Ronny, Immediate Past President of the Hinds Football Supporters Club, will provide expert analysis throughout the tournament. Our reporter caught up with Ronny in his y-fronts – sorry, in front of his wide-screen TV - primed and ready to go.

So, Ronny, what are your predictions for the World Cup?
Wouldn’t know, mate. Not interested.
Not interested?
Nuh, couldn’t give a monkey’s
But aren’t you in the Football Supporters Club?
Yeah, rugby football.
Oh geez, that bloody sub-editor! Look, Ronny, help us out here, we’ve got nobody else.
Why not, there’s heaps of people can talk about soccer.
Yeah, but they’re all talking to the big papers. Come on, give us a break.
Well, it’s against my better judgement, but if you want my opinion it’ll be New Zealand, South Africa and Australia in the final.
Er, you can only have two teams in the final, Ronny.
So one of ‘em will come third, but it’ll be a Tri-Nations trifecta, you wait.
How come you’re so confident?
Stands to reason. Look, it’s the first time they’ve played the tournament in the southern hemisphere and there’s only three southern hemisphere nations playing, so who’s got the local knowledge?
Local knowledge?
Yeah. You know how water goes down the plughole the other way in the southern hemisphere? Well, it’s the same with how a ball behaves through the air. When you kick a soccer ball in South Africa it curves the other way. All those northern hemisphere players won’t know where to turn.
How do you know this?
It’s all over Facebook, mate.
Anyway, what about the South American countries?
What about ‘em.
Brazil, Argentina, Chile – they’re all in the southern hemisphere.
Fair buck?
Yes.
I thought the equator did a sort of u-turn around South America.
No.
Well, that’s odd. Because they’re not real southern hemisphere people, are they?
What do you mean?
Well, y’know, they’re not like us. They’re sort of like, girls, eh?
Er, moving on, the All Whites have a real David and Goliath battle if they’re to win any games. How are they going to do it?
I reckon David and Goliath is the clue to success. You know the real lesson of that old story?
Tell me.
David broke the rules. You see, Goliath was out there with his sword and his shield and he was playing by the rules. The last thing he expected was some little snot-nose to pull out a slingshot. The Alrights-
All Whites, Ronny
They’ll be All Rights if they follow my advice. What they’ve gotta do is the unexpected, break a few rules.
Such as?
Pick up the ball and run with the bloody thing for a start. Pile in at the break-down, get a bit of go-forward and chuck it down the line. Watch those Slovakian faces when that happens.
Yeah, but the difference between us and David is the referee. We’ll get caned.
So you do it quietly. Stuff the ball under the jersey, get a couple of mates to shepherd you, dive over in the corner, ref’ll never notice.
Do you reckon our boys have got the star quality to pull off a few upsets?
I dunno. Who’s in the team?
Well, there’s Ryan Nelsen and, er...
Oh, I know, there’s that guy who broke his shoulder last week, he’ll be a big asset on the field. Then there’s Dan Carter.
He’s a rugby player, Ronny.
I know, but imagine if he played soccer. He knows which way the ball curves in South Africa.