Hone hurls his toys
14th November 2009

Hone Howarya hadn’t always been a good boy, so when he got the invitation to the party he was very excited. “Look at this, Hilda!” he cried, “I’m gonna play in the big toy box!”

When Hone Howarya arrived at the party Aunt Tatty and Uncle Peet welcomed him. “Now, Hone,” said wise Aunt Tatty, “you must be on your best behaviour. There are toys here you don’t get on with but you have to be good or we’ll send you home.”
Hone looked around the big toy box. Aunt Tatty was right, there were a lot of bigwigs in this place and most of them were buggeryas.

If there was one thing Hone Howarya hated, it was the buggerya tribe. His hatred was an old one. It went back a long, long way to the time when the buggerya tribe gate-crashed the picnic and stole all the Howarya’s lollies. And while it was true they eventually gave some of the lollies back they made sure to keep all the best ones. Now Hone had to spend his days among the buggerya bigwigs, watching them chewing his lollies.

But for a while things just kept getting better, especially after the lection when Jonkey, the chief bigwig, invited Aunt Tatty and Uncle Peet to join the gummint. Hone felt very proud.

One day Uncle Peet took Hone aside and said, “Hone, you’ve been such a good boy you can take some friends and visit Wonderland.”
“Can I be the leader?” asked Hone.
“Yes, but you must be responsible and work very hard.”
“I will,” promised Hone, and ran off to pack his surfboard.

Hone took Hilda to Wonderland just because he could, and they were amazed. They had never seen anything as wonderful as Wonderland. The buildings were tall as mountains, the roads curved like spaghetti, the pastries were sweeter than honey and the frothy beer made Hone sneeze. My, how they laughed!

Everybody in Wonderland made Hone feel important. The Wonderland bigwigs asked him lots of questions and even listened to his answers. But alas, all this importance went to his head and then Hone Howarya did a very naughty thing. He and Hilda sneaked off to visit the Crystal City, the most fabulous of all the treasures in Wonderland.

“Well, why shouldn’t I have some fun?” sniffed Hone. “Those buggeryas have been visiting Crystal City for years. Now it’s my turn.”

But, oh dear, when Hone returned to the big toy box the news mediums heard about his naughty trip to Crystal City and then the fish hit the pan. Suddenly everybody was mad at Hone. Aunt Tatty and Uncle Peet wouldn’t talk to him, the buggeryas were up in arms and so were some of the other Howaryas. One even sent him a fleamail that was so itchy and biting that Hone lost his temper and sent a really nasty fleamail right back.


Matters only got worse when one of the buggerya bigwigs, Pill-the-Goff, said Hone should be sent home from the party without his party pack. Hone got so mad he said Pill-the-Goff should be shot and, anyway, he wasn’t a bit sorry.

Things moved quickly after that. Hone was sent home without any lollies, Aunt Tatty and Uncle Peet got married and retired to Balclutha and Jonkey formed a new gummint with Rubber Hide and the Green Peas.

Back home again, Hone Howarya sat dejectedly on the old wharf, dangling his feet.
“Oh well, Hilda,” he sighed, “looks like we’re back to throwing mud on Waitangi Day.” He leaned on his surfboard and stared across the lagoon.