The Spencer Truss – uplifting NZFirst
9th August 2008


In a week of high political drama, of leaked audio tapes and upset rubbish bins, the Ashburton Guardian’s political reporters have been tireless in their pursuit of sensational stories. In a journalistic scoop one of our team penetrated a private function room at the Grumpy Hog restaurant in Manners Street, Wellington last night where a special meeting of the New Zealand First caucus was being held. He filed this report online just ten minutes ago.

At first glance the only indication that this is a meeting of NZFirst MPs is the presence, the towering presence, of Winston Peters. The remaining 6 MPs, cleverly disguised as themselves, are completely unrecognisable.

The group is seated at a round table with a lazy suzy decorated with a bunch of geraniums. Two large microphones are suspended from the ceiling directly above the table. The only other people in the room are a Chinese waiter, several members of the parliamentary press gallery hiding behind a potted aspidistra and a shadowy figure in the corner of the room crouched over an audio recording desk and wearing a red jacket with the words “Labour Party Spy” printed on the back.

Winston rises to address the meeting.

Winston: Right, we’ll get straight down to business. We don’t usually meet between elections but you’ll appreciate that the recent activities of certain scumbags means we’ve got some work to do. There’s two items on the agenda: fundraising and party policy. Wait a minute.

He suddenly spins the lazy suzy so hard the geraniums fly off the table, spattering everybody with dirt and flowers.

Winston: You can’t be too careful – they can hide microphones anywhere these days. Right – fundraising. We’re gonna need plenty of cash for this election. What have you got, Ron?

Ron Mark: A couple of us have been going through the list of previous donors. There’s Owen Glen, Bob Jones and those Simunovich boys.

Winston: What do you reckon they’re good for this time around – a hundred k each?

Ron: Well, all things considered, Winston…

Winston: Yeah, yeah, I know. Who else is on the list?

Ron: The next biggest donor was Mrs Dorothy Thwaites in Paeroa.

Winston: How much did Dot give last time?

Ron: Three dollars.

Winston: See if she’s good for five.

Pita Paraone raises a hand tentatively.

Pita: Ah, Winston…

Winston: Who the hell are you?

Pita: I’m an MP.

Winston: Which party?

Pita: Our party – I mean, YOUR party, Winston.

Winston: I’ve never seen you in my life.

Doug Woolerton: Well, you have been away a lot, Winston.

Pita: Some of us near the bottom of the list were hoping that you could do some fundraising: you know, use your connections.

Winston: I did that last time and look at the mess.

Pita: Yeah, but you’ve got new connections now.

Dail Jones: Like that Condoleeza Rice, she’s pretty keen on you, she’d give us a few bob.

Ron: Or you could go on the dinner circuit, do some media training workshops, that kind of thing.

Winston: And where would we put the money? Every journalist in the country is sniffing around our bank accounts. I can’t open my wallet without a commission of inquiry or some such thing.

Doug: We can hide the money in a trust.

Winston: Like the Spencer Trust, I suppose? Bad idea, Doug.

Peter Brown: We could change the Trust’s name to throw them off the scent. Make it look like something completely different.

Winston: Suggestions?

Peter: How about the Spencer Truss? That gives us options. We could sell it as either a medical aid or something to do with construction.

Ron: Medical aid gives us some catchy marketing: “The Spencer Truss – providing hidden support!”

Doug: “The Spencer Truss – uplifting NZ First!”

Winston: Brilliant! Right, what else was on the agenda?

Ron: Policy.

Winston: Policy? We’ll do the same as we’ve done every other election – announce our policy the day after polling when we know which party we’re negotiating with. Right! Drinking time. Ron, call the waiter. Oh, and tell him to get rid of that bloody aspidistra.