Gudgeoned, Futtocked and Bollarded

Saturday 14 June 2003


Jonathan Hunt, the Speaker of Parliament, has refused to allow the word ‘bugger’ into the debating chamber. “I have a respect for the English language which indicates there is not a need for that sort of word in the House,” spoke the Speaker.

Frankly, I think this is a bit precious from a man who wears a shoulder-length wig to work. MPs are quick to take up the cry that they, like the rest of us, are no longer able to express themselves fully and completely without recourse to the ‘b’ word. I haven’t consulted with Brian Connell about this, but I’ve no doubt he’s among our respected MPs knee-capped by the Speaker’s ruling.

In support of our embattled MPs and others, I have, at considerable personal cost, come up with a solution: Verstappen’s All-Purpose Index of Rude and Racy Words, VAPIORARW for short.

The idea came to me in a flash of inspiration - an epiphany, if you want a word that sounds a bit rude. It happened last Saturday when I was standing in Mitre 10’s fixtures and fittings area: you know, the bit to the right of the main entrance. Having recently bought the house of my dreams I now spend all my weekends at Mitre 10, and on this day I had a list of things I needed. The problem is, when it comes to the language of home improvement I wouldn’t know my elbow joint from my architrave. That is, I know what I want, but I haven’t a clue what it’s called.

I’ve decided the English language is an intricate cave system. If I keep to the well-lit passages I get through life with reasonable success. But stray into one of the many dark chambers on either side and I’m as lost as Colin Meads in a yoga class. The fixtures and fittings department is a very dark chamber. Whatever language they use in there, it’s not my mother tongue.

My conversation with the Mitre 10 man went something like this:
Me. ‘Ah, I’m looking for a sort of screw thingy that goes into a post, with a bit sticking up…?’
M10Man. ‘What’s it for?’
Me. ‘Putting a gate on.’
M10Man. ‘You mean a gudgeon screw?’
Me (feebly). ‘Do I? Okay. And then I need a sort of loopy bit that attaches to the gate for the gudgeony thing to slide up into.’
M10Man. ‘Good description, sir, and the rude gestures are a big help. It’s a lug you’re after.’
Me. ‘Right. Now (taking a deep breath) I’ve got these hose fittings…’
M10Man. ‘Right over here. Is there a brand name you’re looking for?’
Me. ‘Umm, I think it’s Hex.’
M10Man. ‘Hex. Nipple or socket?’
Me. ‘Not sure.’
M10Man. ‘Well, is it a threaded female or a straight coupler?’
Me. ‘Umm…’
M10Man. ‘Is it a waste coupler, a tap jumper, a bang rubber zip, shower zip or a flange?’
Me (pointing desperately). ‘I think it’s one of those.’
M10Man. ‘Oh, a pressure bush reducing cap. Why didn’t you say? Now is that a left hand, right hand or triple bypass?’
Me (gurgling). ‘I don’t know.’
M10Man. ‘And you realise you’ll want a swage tool to fit that.’
Me. ‘I think I’ll just sit down for a bit.’

And right there was when the flash of inspiration hit me. Who needs tired, hackneyed ‘bugger’ when we can plunder the riches of the English language and come up with ‘gudgeon’ and ‘swage tool’?

When you think about it, basically any word using f,c,g,b or k has potential as a Word Of Emphasis. Never mind if they are nouns. They can quickly be changed into verbs or adjectives with astonishing effect: as in, ‘get off my gudgeoning toe, you idiot, or I’ll give you a good swageing!’

Once bitten, my curiosity knew no bounds. I realised there are a myriad dark chambers of fertile technical language waiting to be mined for good and useful expletives. I e-mailed my brother-in-law, George, a mariner of repute (I should add that neither ‘mariner’ nor ‘repute’ is a rude word). He knew instinctively what I needed and sent me a long list of nautical terms for the All-Purpose Index. Beautiful words they are; like futtock, bollard, orlop, grommet, binnacle and fid. He reminded me it’s not just modern words that will serve my purpose, archaic language provides even richer pickings. For example, futtocks, according to George, were bits of timber used in the hulls of square-rigged sailing ships.

So if, like our de-buggered MPs, you’re looking for a few new expressions to enrich your vocabulary, I offer you the VAPIORARW. You can find it online at www.bollards.com. I can’t wait to see an array of new and challenging words introduced into parliamentary debate. Will Mr Hunt give a gudgeon? I’m futtocked if I know.